Travel is jarring, especially when one attempts it on way too little sleep. I woke with a jolt at 4am this morning, thoroughly regretting my 2am bedtime. True, I had needed to finish mending my pants, gathering my things and finishing out my Lawrence House Service Corps year. Still, waking up for a cross country expedition after a night’s sleep that would more accurately be called a “nap” I wasn’t in the best of moods.
Hazy consciousness meant I forgot a critical part of flying, the change in time zones. As such I landed in Dallas/Fort Worth I was convinced that I’d missed my connection. Fortunately this little thing called “central time” meant that I wasn’t near as late as I’d thought. As I skidded into the gate I learned that I have even more time to wait, as we were delayed for a half-hour. Taking advantage of this short break I quickly located a water fountain, grabbed a quick snack, and tried to charge my tablet so I’d at least have my audiobook for the next leg of the journey.
I landed in SLC just after 1pm Mountain Time, hungry, frazzled and totally unsure of what came next. After a series of adventures and introductions I made into my hotel room, managed a quick afternoon swim and had bumped into some amazing people who I didn’t know would be here. A late(ish) dinner with the rest of the EPF Young Adult Delegation at The Pie Hole served to push me a step closer to feeling almost like a human being.
Still in the midst of all of this I felt out of place, confused, unsure as to what I was doing here and how I was going to accomplish something, anything that would justify all the energy and costs expended for me to get here. Then, after developing a loose schedule for tomorrow, that begins about three hours before I would normally start my day, we said Compline together. All my hesitation, my fears about not fitting in, about not being “enough” to be here fell away as the familiar words were spoken again in a new way.
At this point I can’t say for sure what it is that I’ve been brought here to do. I mean I know the job description, advocate for peace & justice and draw attention to the needs of non-binary transgender individuals within the Episcopal Church. Both of those are simple enough, even though they are very broad goals with many avenues of approach. As I’ve hit the ground running today it’s as if I’m scrambling to figure out where my gifts can best be applied to them, leaving me with a sense of diving head first into intensity itself.
I’m still trying to process all of this, with one eye on the clock so I can muster the illusion of coherence at 6am tomorrow. Yet as the swirling winds of emotion, connection, love and concern are converging on my conscience one moment sticks out bright and peaceful. As our voices melded together in Compline I was reminded that Spirit is dancing in this confusion. Whatever happens in the next ten day, we can be assured that God will be in the midst of it, loving, holding and transforming each and every one of us.